Why does my future rely on whether university or college accepts me?
Why the heck have I not been accepted yet?
What will happen if I don’t get accepted to university?
I try not to think of any of these questions but lately these questions have been little imps tugging at my hair. It’s quite annoying that these thoughts are consuming every single happy thought that I have in my life. I thought I was happy and content that I have everything but I guess there is always something that is needed to complete a small hole in my heart. You know what it would be an understatement to call it a small hole because if a shadow were to reflect what really is going on inside a person. My shadow would be nonexistent, because what is going on inside my head makes me feel nonexistent and inadequate and never enough.
I don’t know if it is just me but it is terribly frustrating to see other people complain about which university or college they are going to accept. With all due respect, I am happy for those people because now they can rest up their worried minds and just focus in school.
It annoys me because my grades are not even garbage, to be honest I think my grades are pretty decent except for one, which is math (I’m not even failing math lol). This is another thing that makes me mad do universities or colleges base a student’s intelligence on one subject? In my case, are my intellectual capabilities based solely on one subject? I hopefully think that it is not true because if they do then I might as well call my “bright happy future” goodbye and start living in the streets as a failure.
I know that there are always other pathways that I can take to be successful but I do not want to journey on that path. As they say no pain, no gain but I just want the path where there is the least pain and have the most gain because I am not always going to have youth on my side, I’m going to get old and brittle some time in the future.
So I guess all I want in life right now is to have these nasty little imps cut off from my life and get that most wanted acceptance. It scares me a little because I have no control over it, all I can do is wait. Just like how I cannot speed up or slow down time, all I can do is wait patiently. Hopefully this waiting comes to a stop and I can finally just rest and go on as a functioning adult in society.