What is my purpose?

Compared to the other seven billion plus lives in the world my existence seems to be very insignificant. If I was to die, only the people who actually care about me would probably care. However no matter how insignificant my life is, I think that I have a purpose in life. I mean why else am I still alive.

I began thinking about my purpose in life not too long ago, because I have been searching for an answer as to why I am still living and breathing in this world. After the sad and happy episodes I guess I concluded that my purpose in life is to help other people and just share what I have with them. I always seem to have enough so I’m just like: “Why not share it, I guess its better to give than to receive.” Luckily, I have been fortunate enough to have everything that I have ever wanted and I guess when you have always had enough it is so easy to share.

I also think that the world is not fair, some people are smarter, more athletic and prettier than me yet how come they don’t feel happy? I still haven’t found the answer to this yet so I guess I’ll just leave it for later.

I always wonder why I am not dead yet, I mean of all the people who die everyday how come I’m not one of them? I could have been in a car accident and died with an internal brain hemorrhage or maybe end up dying in my sleep.  I figured that maybe its because I haven’t done enough in this world yet. Unlike most people, I am not afraid to die, if I was to die right now I would have no regrets. I think this is because I don’t do anything unless I actually mean it, excluding school work of course because that stuff seems to be mandatory. I always do things not because I want to suck up to someone but because I really want to do it. I also think that my life is borrowed it is not really mine therefore if I really wanted to commit suicide, I would be filled with the guilt of stealing someone’s gift away.

By making other people feel happy, I feel happy too so I guess until I die I’ll just keep helping other people. That is my purpose for now I guess.

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Do cats really own us?

“Do cats really own us?” In this video they examined a baby, a dog and a cat while replicating a study during the 70s. The experiment studied each subject on whether they had an emotional attachment with their mother or owner. Babies and dogs did in fact have an emotional bond with their mother and owner. Babies and dogs have this bond with us because we give them comfort and security. They yearn for our approval and assuage. On the other hand cats don’t seem to have this sense of attachment with us and this is further demonstrated in the video.

Now I don’t think that it is accurate to deduce that cats do not have this attacment with us. The experiment was only run on 20 cats, now there are so many variables that can come with it. First of all the cats may not have been specially attached to its owner when the experiment was run. Second, the cats may have been raised differently than other cats; they may have been raised independently or with care. I may be naive by saying that animals have instincts just like how we humans too have instincts. We are in fact animals too. The only difference is that we can talk, have a higher capability with our intelligence and plausible thumbs. Just like every living thing in the world we would do anything to survive, we have needs. Cats have needs just like us, they need comfort and security so I don’t think that the experiment was highly conclusive about the nature of cats. It is only a stat for the twenty cats that they have tested, and not for the whole population.

Pieces of ourselves

Being alive and breathing is the best and the worst thing that ever happened to us. It is the best thing because we get to experience all these indescribable moments in our lives. We get to feel and express our opinions and do things that make us happy. I think that it was a blessing for me to be alive because I realized how to love and care for other people. It was not too long ago when I did not know how to express these things because I guess, I was just socially awkward. I used to be monotone and uncaring towards all things, I couldn’t really care about what happened around me. I really just never paid attention to others and the meaning of certain things. I failed to see the value of the people and things that surrounded me.

I guess, we always get the revelation when we have lost something or someone and that something or someone can never be repaired or returned to the way it was before. I guess this is the biggest calamity of life; the feeling of not being wanted and the feeling of losing someone, well to me anyways.

Life has its ups and downs, but lol, you will never realize how lucky you were until you have sunken to this very dark bottomless pit in your mind or heart. Our brains have no off switch so it sucks when everything goes wrong because we can’t stop thinking about it. Before we sleep (if we’re even lucky enough to get to rest), while we watch t.v, drive or even while we remove our shoes, this feeling strikes us like a tape worm in our stomach. It will continue to grow as we continue to feed it with food or in this case our thoughts.

When we meet someone, and we become friends with them or even better, close-to-almost family friends. We allow them to own a piece in our hearts, this piece can be as little as talcum powder and can just disintegrate with a simple swoosh. Or maybe this piece can be as hard and strong as a diamond that the bond created is almost indestructible. The point is we give them a piece of ourselves. The sad thing is when these people or things suddenly leave or break. The piece that we have specially assigned to these people also leave and break. You see, we have come to be sentimental of these people and things. I have been emotionally attached  to that thing therefore when it is gone, that piece in my heart is tugged out and disappears. I think this goes for everyone because once we lose something or someone we love, we lose a piece or a part of ourselves that used to be there. That part disappeared with the person or object that leaves us changed. That is why I think people are constantly
changing because nothing in the world is infinite.

The change may not be evident right away but slowly we will see that little by little a puzzle that used to represent us break. Using this puzzle analogy, we are a whole, every time we meet someone we allow them to peer into what is us, they take a piece of our puzzle, that piece is the us that they have come to know. These people leave and suddenly we are one piece short of ourselves, of our own identity.

I guess it just affects me so much when someone I have become attached to abruptly dies or leaves me because I give my all to someone or something. I don’t have a middle area, it just seems like go big or go home. It is either you’re important to me or you’re not. I cannot pretend to care because its very tiring to me.

Everything we own and everyone we meet changes us. Losing someone that is close to our hearts means that we have lost something in us as well.

The funny thing about life is that it makes us regret everything that we have done but in the end we end up not regretting these things because then we think, “if that did not happen then I would not have known these things or these people.” But I guess that is just my optimistic view of life because someone pessimistic might think, “if that did not happen to me, I would’ve have had a better life.”

Last Words in Yearbook

Back in October or November the yearbook committee in my school asked us to pick our last words/motto to be displayed right under our grad.  photo. I don’t remember what phrase I picked as my motto but it had something to do with honour and fairy tales… SERIOUSLY I’m probably not going to show my yearbook to my kids but is this how I’m going to remember what I’ve experienced and dealt through in highschool?

Picking the wrong motto/ phrase to describe myself was very idiotic of me. This is like branding myself with a tattoo like, “NO RAGRATS.” I am going to remember myself with some quote or phrase that I don’t even understand and it’s going to stick there forever.

That was a mistake that hopefully I would never ever commit again. With what I’ve experienced and felt during high school, I don’t think I’m going to describe it with a quote about honour or whatnot. If I could change it, I would change it to sayings that reflect what I have firmly believed in and realized this last four years:

1. Never Give Up

Seems cliché but seriously, I don’t think I ever was a good student in high school.. It was only this year where things got real and I finally realized that I really had to scrape and fight for my grades and other important stuff in life that I would need further down the line. I never really studied or did my homework, I only did enough to pass a course. I don’t even know how I did not fail a class because I rarely ever studied for a test. This year has been my hardest year yet, I have never stressed about anything my whole entire life except for this year. My mind keeps telling me that its useless to push through because I’ll fail anyways but there would always be something telling or reminding me that, “hey it is never too late, it’s better to try than to give up because at least this way, you know you gave it your all.” Cheesy but true.

2. Be better than who you were yesterday

I love to compete with other people but only if it brings the best out of both of us. When it comes to competitions, I go big or go home but there were some cases where I purposely tried to lose because it felt like I did not deserve the win so I gave it to the other party. ANYWAYS, I realized that whenever people fell short on some things they blame it on other people or some heavenly interruption that happened during their failed attempt to do something. It terribly annoyed me when people did this so I started learning that some things are actually my fault. I realized that it annoyed me to do worse than what I actually did before. At the end of this year I hope to do better than what I did last time. In all honesty, I am competing with no one but myself, I have this constant urge to do better than who I was yesterday, that other people actually do not matter.

What would you choose: If there was an accident..

There was an accident for sure you’ve lost or hurt one of your body parts that it is beyond repair. Which one would it be? Which one can you bear to lose or in this case sacrifice if it means living again. Here are your choices:
(a).Your ability to walk
(b).Your ability to think
(c).Your ability to use your arms
(d).Your ability to see
(e).Your ability to hear
(f). Your ability to speak

This is one of the questions that randomly enters my head and now I’m just like, “hmm, ok.”

If I was to pick, I would choose to sacrifice my ability to speak because I think I can do without my voice. I may be voiceless but I can still communicate with other people through my body language, through paper and through automated voices. I may not be able to say what I want right away but in some shape or form I would still be able to deliver my message. Also, the only thing that I have lost is my ability to communicate easier, its not like my life is lost. I think losing my voice is a small price to pay for my life because I can still function as an able bodied human being without my voice.

However, if I was to lose my ability to walk or see then I would probably be devastated. I love sports or moving around or exercising that without it I would also probably die. (LOL either way even if I didn’t like doing those things I would probably be obese and die of a heart attack). Now losing my ability to walk is a big price to pay for my own life. Also, I would be very dependent of other people which would cause me more distress so I guess if I’d rather lose my life than lose my legs and live on.

I don’t know if I would actually mean everything that I am in this post because if we were all faced with this situation in the time of our death or accident. Very few would be able to think clearly and we would all probably spaz out and freak out.

In conclusion the cheapest price to pay for our lives is the loss of our ability to voice out our opinions or sing our hearts out.

Book Review: The time keeper by Mitch Albom (SPOILER)

Rating: 3.75 out of 5

This book was actually not that bad. I noticed that the way he wrote the time keeper was very direct that even a 10 year old would be able to read it and get the message if they actually thought about it. This book actually did not have a lot of pages; about 300 pages to estimate it. The funny thing is even the pages did not have a  lot of words put into it, a message was delivered to me.

The message of the book was to stop stressing about time and just enjoy and cherish everything that we have now. Some people do not notice that the more they try to control time and manage it, the more they are controlled by time. Time
makes these people stressed and tired. Time makes these people forget about their loved ones, time makes people forget about the things that they have now.

 

There was a part in the book where time stopped, and Sarah and Victor went back to their past and onward to there future . They realized all the things that they were missing such as their wife and mothers. They also realized how much hurt they have inflicted to the people close to them by selfishly killing their own self. I may be just reading too much in between the lines but I think this was a good contrast by Mitch Albom. In that moment in time, time was not ticking, it was not moving, it was stopped down. Sarah and Victor realized all that they have missed by thinking about their own time. Ironically, time around them did not move and that is when they finally realized all the things that they  have been missing.

I would not jump out in a bookstore and fight for this book if it was the only one left in the bookstore. But it is worthwhile to read.

Suicide

From the way we humans destroy our Earth, manipulate other human beings and create these wondrous structures reaching new heights. One would think that humans are indestructible.

If I was some foreign species unexposed to human actions looking from the outside, I would think that humans are very powerful in the case that they rule over everything on earth. The only thing stopping them are plagues and unwordly natural disasters.

But this is not the case, in the modern world we find that we are more attached to materialistic things. Things that were once so simple are now deemed complicated. Everything that we do now, unconsciously affects everything that we are and everything that we do. This is what makes us fragile.

Why do people think of committing suicide? Why do people commit suicide?

Everyone has different reasons to why they consider or even commit suicide. The reasons may be considered simple or stupid to other people outside a suicidal person’s mind. But sometimes those reasons are enough to drive someone to death.

They say that it is very common for people to think of suicide, I think this is true. Suicide is an easy way to get out of life and its hardships but suicide is also an easy way to miss all the lovely little things in life.

From what I have experienced, people who I have known, planned to commit suicide because they do not know what to do with their life. They are tired and purposeless, because of this they have no commitment to live further on. They either don’t have anyone their to support them in their daily treks or they are just completely alone. These reasons branch into less complicated things but that does not matter because these are the reasons that causes someone to consult the idea of death.

I think people who want to die are poor in some things, it may be love or happiness or even money. We humans are very fragile. There are times when we feel very indestructible but there are times where we are so battered and tired. We are
as fragile as a leaf trying to hold on to its branches one windy fall night. It only takes one breath of wind to make us let go and fall to the ground.

 

What does a name mean?

I think names are sacred in their own way because it’s how we define and recognize people in our world if we were not to see their faces. Some people are named based on their parent’s likes for example, Porshe or Fendi. Some people are named because their parents found their name pretty and decided to use that to describe you. Either way our names are what we are and who we are. It doesn’t restrict us to certain characteristics but hey our name is our name and its ours. We might have identical names that we struggle to make our names unique but what can you do right?

First of all, I thought my name came from the bible and it did but the way my name is spelled came from my great-grandmother. My grand mother’s name was Catalina. Hence my two first names.

I am interested in what things mean and came across what my name meant. It turns out my name meant Bright Light or bright one, Pure, Easter or born in Easter. My parents gave me a lot of names just in case I didn’t like to be called by one of them. I thought that this was quite funny just because it made me like my name more or maybe I just got used to it lol but who wouldn’t get used to it when they are called the same thing every single day.

 

Sunset Limited Book review

I would rate The sunset limited as a 3.5 out of 5 just because it’s not my cup of tea but overall its a pre
tty good book. In the book there were only 2 characters; black and white. Page after page the story revolves around black trying to convince white to stay in his apartment. In the book there were a lot of hints which pointed to White being dead. Such as how White didn’t see anyone in the train platform when he jumped but Black pulled him back. White does not know that he is dead. Both characters might be in purgatory and Black might just be trying to save White from going down to hell. In the end Black couldn’t stop white from leaving his apartment (Maybe Black’s apartment was the purgatory.)  Black cries and asks God why he couldn’t give Black the knowledge or words to say to save White. Slowly the sun rises in the horizon and the play ends.

I think the ending was fitting for the whole message of  the play. The message I interpreted was that God does not give anyone exact answers because he wants us to realize our own thing. Just like how he said to Adam and Eve that the tree of knowledge is not to be touched. That was some reverse psychology in my opinion, because when you tell people to not do something, they tend to do it more. So by God saying, not touch it he may actually want us to do it.  God wanted us to realize our own mistakes and he probably hopes that by learning our mistakes we would become wiser. By becoming wiser we would realize that God is the way and through him we are saved. Maybe this is the whole message that God wants us to realize.

I also think that having the sun rise at the end was also very appropriate because even though the play ends with a question, the sunrise has a lot of different meanings that come with it. Firstly I think that the sunrise symbolized hope. A new day means that we can walk away from what happened the day before and start anew. I also think that the sunrise was God’s way of saying that Black did not fail at his task of trying to save White. Black might have thought that he failed but I don’t think God thought that, because his response might be the sun rising. This might’ve meant that God still has hope for Black and there is always a new tomorrow, a new start for people.

Nothing God says is direct or specific, the way we choose to interpret or do things is all on us. Whether it be good or bad, it is our own responsibility.

 

Dyscalculia

There are some things that whatever we do we fail to understand. Some things we grasp faster than other topics, some topics we grasp way slower. I did not know that dyscalculia existed, I don’t think that it is as common and well-known as dyslexia but its pretty much the same concept. People with dyslexia have difficulty with words and letters such as reading and writing, while people with dyscalculia have difficulty with any arithmetic processes or doing math.

I don’t think that it their own fault that they are bad at calculating math or bad at reading or recognizing words, maybe they just were not born to read or do math. When people are usually bad at doing something they usually excel at other things. From what I’ve read, most people with dyscalculia have a really good imagination and are very creative because their mind has more space to be creative and just let loose.

I think that this is the case with my brother. I hope that he does not really have dyscalculia because I really wanted to teach him math but if he does, then that’s okay too. I just can’t help notice his difficulty with telling the time with an analog clock or his struggles with Math. Maybe he is just slow at understanding time that way but there won’t be digital clocks all the time. It worries me, but then I guess he can be educated more on the creative side which I think is a huge plus. Also, he might be one of the few people who are not burdened by counting. Ignorance is bliss, that is indeed the case when numbers are not a  huge part of someone’s life.